


2+1=0

by NeoDiji



Series: Plus Euphy [1]
Category: Code Geass
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Pre-Threesome, Sexual Fantasy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-14 21:38:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14777696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeoDiji/pseuds/NeoDiji
Summary: Lelouch and Suzaku have been happily dating for months, but Suzaku admits to having feelings for someone else. Cue guilt. (These boys...)





	1. Broken Daydream

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Disclaimer: I do not own Code Geass. I do not make profit from writing this fanfiction.
> 
> Intended to diverge from [SWB Chapter 17](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8160998/chapters/24842871), but it's not necessary to read that. Just know that SuzaLulu has built up a strong relationship by this point.

Suzaku couldn’t help the pride that swelled in him that he ‘totally wrecked Lelouch’s ass,’ even as the familiar guilt started to swamp him.

Lelouch sighed happily and pressed his bottom backwards against Suzaku. The bath water swished around them, already cloudy from the filth flaking off them and floating around. “It turns me on when you use your strength,” Lelouch claimed. “Your power. And I’m proud of you for taking what you wanted. That’s a big step.” He leaned back more fully against Suzaku, resting his head on the brunet’s bare, damp chest.

Suzaku flinched with guilt. Now that the haze of lust and sleep had left him—the nap following playtime had helped—he couldn’t believe he’d just climbed on top of Lelouch. Like a dog. “I shouldn’t have done it that way,” he bemoaned. “I was rude and inconsiderate—”

“—and really, really hot,” Lelouch interrupted. “Honestly, if I’d thought you wanted it, I would’ve suggested it in the first place.” He glanced up at his boyfriend, eyes half-lidded with relaxation.

Frowning, Suzaku asked, “What in the world made you think I wouldn’t want to have sex with you?” His voice echoed off the bathroom walls. Tracing his hands down his prince’s chest, he lightly scratched at some leftover crusted come until it peeled off and joined its brethren in the warm water. “You’re my royally hot boyfriend. Who else am I gonna sex up?” A tiny voice in the back of his mind sounded, _What about his royally hot half-sister who wants really bad to spread her legs for you?_ Suzaku carefully kept himself from flinching. He couldn’t dwell on Euphy for long as his boyfriend drew his attention.

Nodding, Lelouch answered, “It’s not that. It’s just that you weren’t very enthused about anal sex last night. You said we might not even need it because you got everything you wanted from me when we grind together.” He sighed with pure bliss as Suzaku grabbed a washcloth and got to work scouring him clean.

“O-oh,” Suzaku remembered. _Lelouch really pays attention to all my needs, doesn’t he?_ His chest felt as warm as their shared bath. He gently nudged Lelouch forward a little and bent him over so he could scrub his back. This morning’s doggy-style sexcapade had spread Suzaku’s seed everywhere, much to Suzaku’s excitement and Lelouch’s visible displeasure. There seemed to be a time limit to Lelouch’s willingness to stay dirty. Clearing his throat, Suzaku mumbled, “Yeah, I did say that.”

Lelouch nodded again, smiling. “I would never make you do anything you didn’t want,” he recapped. “So I was just going to give you a little exhibition. I certainly don’t _mind_ that you wanted more, Suzaku.”

“I wanted you so bad,” Suzaku admitted, nuzzling the top of his prince’s spine. “I was just so turned on I wasn’t thinking straight.”

Lips curving, Lelouch jested, “Well, I certainly hope you weren’t thinking _straight_ , Suzaku.”

Suzaku fumbled with the washcloth for a moment, his imagination flashing to glowing lavender eyes and beautiful long pink hair. Her sweet breath on his lips and her long legs straddling his lap. Her strong voice beseeching, _I want to put the happiness back in your smile_. Suzaku hurriedly bit back a groan, but it didn’t matter as his cock went erect and nestled against Lelouch’s lower back in the bathtub. Only the tip of his erection poked out of the water, and Suzaku shivered at the difference the cold air made on his heated skin.

“Shit, Suzaku, you can’t be human,” Lelouch said, only half-joking.

 _Oh my god. I really can’t be human. I’m a **monster**. _ The water suddenly felt ice cold around him, or was that his blood temperature? _Why is thinking about **Euphy** turning me on? _ Nothing made sense. Not that things normally made sense to Suzaku anyway, but his thing with Lelouch had always felt so right. _My perfect boyfriend is right in front of me! I love him with all my heart. I’m devoted to him. I thought about him all week. I’ve never even **considered** Euphy before. _ Suzaku trembled, making the water ripple out.

Lelouch chuckled and turned to stare at him affectionately. “Do you want me again that badly, Suzaku?”

Suzaku swallowed. _Lelouch thinks he’s the reason for my hard-on_. _And why shouldn’t he? After all, he’s my boyfriend and he’s always been the only one to…_ Pressing his lips together thinly, Suzaku shook his head. “Nah, not this time,” he said, trying to joke. His voice came out strained.

Expression fitful and searching, Lelouch asked, “Hey, Suzaku, what’s wrong? I was only teasing about calling you not human. It’s great that you have such a high sex drive. Honestly.” He leaned close, resting their foreheads together and closing his eyes. “I told you. Whatever you want, I’ll make it happen.”

 _You don’t mean that, Lelouch. You’d never condone me running off with your half-sister and—wait, do **I** really want that? _Suzaku froze, as if the ice had finally captured him. Panic coiled in his gut. _I never sat her down and explained once and for all that we weren’t meant to be. I let her think I was interested and only playing hard to get, using stupid excuses like rules instead of that I’m already attached. My attempts to dissuade her were only half-hearted. Did some part of me want her, even then?_

“Suzaku? You’re scaring me.”

_I’m scaring me, too. How can I even be thinking this?_

Lelouch pressed closer to kiss him, and instantly Suzaku felt better.

_No matter what, Lelouch is home. I **know** I love him._

-+-

Cuddling in the bath had felt divine—except for his internal crisis about which royal sibling he truly loved. Suzaku did admit that it felt refreshing to finally have all the dried bodily fluids washed off his skin, but his heart felt more sullied than ever. _What is wrong with me?_ Suzaku wailed to himself. He’d somehow convinced Lelouch that he really didn’t want to do anything about his erection this time, claiming that despite his stiff cock, he truly was worn out from all the sex stuff. He needed a breather.

Suzaku had also shyly requested that he have some time and space alone to process everything that had happened since last night.

Lelouch had smiled understandingly and agreed, citing that a bit of reflection time apart was probably healthy for both of them, all things considered. He’d offered his bedroom to Suzaku and said he would spend a few hours out and about with Nunnally, promising that he wouldn’t let on anything about Suzaku’s breakdown.

Suzaku’s heart clenched. _Oh, Lelouch. You really are too perfect for me_. It made him feel even guiltier that he was secretly thinking about Euphy all of a sudden. This added to the mountain of guilt he lived with daily anyway. _I killed my father. I let people die. I let Zero get away. I’m basically cheating on my boyfriend in my mind._

Flinging himself onto the changed bed sheets, Suzaku lay back and tried to figure things out. Normally he’d go to Lelouch with his problems, but he couldn’t now, obviously. He sighed. As much as Euphy had invaded his thoughts in the past hour, Lelouch was as present as ever. It wasn’t like he was wanting Euphy _more_ than his prince; she just showed up in his mind _in addition_ to Lelouch. Suzaku thought that was significant.

 _What is it about Euphy?_ Suzaku wondered. He’d steadfastly tried to avoid thinking about her, but maybe if he let himself follow the thoughts to the end, he’d get it out of his system. With Lelouch gone for a few hours, he had the perfect chance. He closed his eyes, and it honestly scared him how Euphy’s angelic face swam into his mind’s eye in crystal clarity. His heart started to pound a bit harder, but he didn’t know if it was from attraction or fear of what this might mean. If he was being truthful, he did enjoy the way Euphy looked. Her face was pretty and sweet, and her eyes were a lighter shade of stunning purple than his boyfriend’s. Her petite, thin frame was nice to look it. She had beautiful curves. Suzaku felt his erection twitch as he recalled the gentle swells of her breasts and dip of cleavage her wardrobe usually showcased. Funny, but he’d never really noticed before. Now he couldn’t stop thinking about it.

He thought back to their encounters. Her voice could wrap around his heart and pull him out of despair. Seeing her had given him the strength to face reality after his harrowing hallucination. On the day they’d met, she had made him laugh several times when he’d been so unsure about his future. She was cute about cats. She obviously cared about him as a person, and she was known throughout the empire as being one of the most loving in the Britannian Royal Family. She wanted to make the world a better place. There was literally nothing wrong with her, and she wanted him. Bad.

But did he want her? He remembered again how she’d felt, pressed flush against him in the Lancelot cockpit. She’d been so light and soft on top of him, and she’d smelled so clean. Her supple breasts had crushed against his hard, flat chest, and her delicate hands had held onto his shoulders so desperately. He’d tried to push her off, but she’d unintentionally mimed a sex thrust as she bucked to get back to his lap at all costs. He hadn’t wanted them to continue at the time—his mind and heart focused on Lelouch—but he wondered now, what might have happened if Cecile hadn’t interrupted them, if he’d been open to the gorgeous princess’s advances…

Sighing, his hand drifted mindlessly to his stirring excitement. Euphy would have gotten her kiss. Several kisses. She’d probably taste as sweet as she looked. He’d tangle his hands in her long, flowing hair and tilt her head back, and she’d bend willingly and press her hefty breasts up closer against his chest. She’d squirm as he kissed her slow and deep, and she’d rub her fleshy tits all over him. Her Sub-Viceroy uniform would come a little undone, especially around that triangular patch of skin specifically meant to draw attention to her very prominent bust. The white lace would droop and reveal a hidden zipper down the middle of her symmetrically designed dress, and he’d tug it down with his teeth and let her creamy breasts spill out. He’d kiss down her neck and chest and nuzzle into her cleavage, and she’d throw her head back and moan soft encouragement. Her luscious pink hair would tickle his face. She’d press his face closer and hold him tight to her bosom, enclosing the sides of his face between her cushiony mounds. He’d lick the salty, sweaty skin there and she’d moan again and start shifting on his lap.

Her gentle rocking would excite him and his flight suit would stretch tight around his erection. He’d groan and grab hold of her hips, but instead of pushing her away, he’d angle her so her wet panties brushed his clothed tip. She’d be soaking because she’d want him so bad, and she’d spread her legs wider so he could nudge his cock up between her thighs. She’d run her hands all over his chest and sigh his name, maybe try to wriggle her wet heat closer. He’d keep kissing and licking her bare breasts, and she’d slowly pull down the zipper on his flight suit. Her thin fingers would lightly pinch his nipple, and he’d have to spell out that she could be a little rough with him. She’d laugh and promise to try in a sultry tone, and then she’d lift herself up and pull down her panties. He’d remove his underwear while she made her entrance available, and his erection would stick freely out above the bottom seam of his zipper. The skirt part of her dress would still be loosely wrapped around her waist, but her hot core would be open to him as she’d slide right onto his waiting cock, gasp, and clench tight around him.

They’d both be half-dressed but so hot and ready, and he’d fuck up into her, nice and easy. Her juices would slide down his cock, and he’d latch onto her nipple and suckle as he kept thrusting into her tight, wet heat. Her soft moans would echo around the cockpit, and his thrusts would make her sweaty, naked tits bounce up and down. Maybe they’d rub against his bare chest, with no layers in-between, skin on skin. She’d feel marvelous. His hands would squeeze and massage her full breasts—they’d be so pliant and squishy in his palms—and he’d roll her nipples between his fingers. The bottom of her dress would flare and cover their lewd connection, but their pornographic joining would be obvious when he made her come, again and again, and her climactic release would dribble down onto the floor of the Lancelot as proof. He’d smell her whenever he piloted in the future and her musky scent would distract him from his work. She’d lean in and sensuously moan his name in his ear—“Oh, Suzaku”—and he wouldn’t be able to hold back. He’d come deep inside her and groan for the whole trailer to hear—

“ _EUPHY!!_ ”

With a horrified start, Suzaku realized that he’d touched himself and gotten off to a fantasy of Euphemia li Britannia. He’d jerked off to a girl— _in his boyfriend’s bed_.

Panic-stricken, Suzaku tugged up his pants and dashed from the room. He raced all throughout the Lamperouge suite, breathing a sigh of relief only when he made sure that it was well and truly empty. No one had heard him. Gasping for breath, he staggered to the bathroom and scrubbed his hands. He wished he could scrub the dirtiness from his soul as easily. With a heavy heart, he stripped the bed of the soiled sheets and threw them in the wash, trying to hide the evidence. But no matter what he did, he couldn’t run from his sins.

 _I can’t believe I did that. Lelouch deserves so much better_.

Suzaku really and truly felt like dying as he waited with dread for his boyfriend to come home.


	2. Admittance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suzaku and Lelouch talk about The Girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Disclaimer: I do not own Code Geass. I do not make profit from writing this fanfiction.

“What’s the matter, Suzaku?” Lelouch asked, concerned. “You’ve seemed so upset ever since I got home—no, even before that. You barely said a word at dinner. Nunnally’s worried about you, too.”

Suzaku squirmed and pressed his hand over his eyes. Shoulders shaking, he mumbled, “I just…I just…”

Lelouch slid behind him on the bed and wrapped him in a comforting embrace. Hooking his chin over Suzaku’s shoulder, he shushed him gently and started to rock him. “Is it because of last night? We haven’t really talked about it much… I told you I still love you. Nothing will ever change that, Suzaku.”

At that, Suzaku cried harder. “Don’t…don’t say that, Lelouch…”

“It’s true. I’ll say it as many times as it takes for you to believe me.”

Suzaku shook his head wildly. “N-no, it’s not even…I mean, it’s something else.”

Lelouch frowned next to his ear. “All right, so what’s wrong? Let me help you.”

Suzaku shuddered. The guilt was eating him alive. Unlike his father’s murder, this wrongdoing directly affected Lelouch. He had no choice but to confess if he wanted to do the right thing—even at this late stage in the game. _I can’t…but I have to_. Voice scratchy, he admitted, “I…I don’t even know how to tell you, Lelouch…”

Lelouch held him a little tighter in reassurance. “Just say it,” he instructed. “Whatever it is, we’ll deal with it.”

Suzaku wiped at his tears. Taking a deep breath, he forced out, “I think I cheated on you and I hate myself.” He flinched and froze, waiting for Lelouch to slap him, to kick him out, to kill him.

But Lelouch just sat there, shell-shocked, his arms loosening but not retreating from around Suzaku’s frame. “Wait,” he said slowly. “You _think_ you cheated on me?” Violet eyes stared at Suzaku with hurt confusion. “I don’t understand.”

“Why aren’t you yelling?” Suzaku asked in a small voice. “You should be yelling. Throwing things at me. _Something_.” He clasped his shaking hands together in his lap.

Lelouch blinked slowly, obviously trying to process the news. “Because I don’t believe it,” he said. “It doesn’t make sense. You _love_ me. I can tell. We’ve come so far together. You would never…” He sighed heavily. “Suzaku, the facts aren’t adding up.” He turned Suzaku’s head to face him directly. “And what do you mean, you _think_? Explain things to me. Please.”

More tears slipped from green eyes, spilling over Britannian fingers. Suzaku licked his lips. “I had a fantasy,” he choked out. Keeping his gaze on Lelouch’s was one of the hardest things he’d ever had to do, but his—rather, _Lelouch_ deserved that much. “About a girl.” He tried to jerk his chin down after the confession, but Lelouch held his head in place.

Purple eyes widened, and Lelouch didn’t say anything for a long moment. Finally, he took a deep breath and asked, “Is that all?”

“What do you mean, ‘is that all’?” Suzaku snapped angrily. “Isn’t that enough?”

Lelouch frowned. “No, I mean, aren’t you going to give me a little more to go off of?” At Suzaku’s silence, he asked, “What girl? What prompted this? What does it mean?” His fingers were shaking against Suzaku’s jaw.

Suzaku swallowed thickly. “Just—a girl I know from work. During our bath, you made that joke about how you hoped I wasn’t thinking _straight_ and my mind flashed to that girl and…and made me hard.”

Lelouch sucked in a breath. “So that’s why…” He shook his head, his face carefully blank. “Go on,” he said stiffly.

Suzaku winced. “That’s mostly it.”

Glaring, Lelouch scooted back from Suzaku, but reached out again to grasp his chin. “It’s not,” he discerned, finally angry. “You _convinced_ me that you didn’t want to do anything sexual when I offered to take care of you. I gave you the space you wanted. Then you came back to _our bed_ behind my back and indulged in a fantasy about some strange _girl_. Judging by the different sheets on the bed—did you think I wouldn’t notice?—I’d bet that you whacked yourself off to her.”

Suzaku clenched his eyes shut, desperately wanting to hang his head but unable to with Lelouch’s tight grip. “I’m sorry,” he whispered despondently. “I wasn’t thinking.”

“Apparently you _were_ thinking some pretty messed up stuff,” Lelouch tossed back scornfully. “I don’t understand, Suzaku. Am I not enough for you anymore? I find it a little hard to believe you don’t want me because I’m a guy. I mean, after shoving yourself—of your own volition—up my ass this morning.”

Cringing, Suzaku shook his head as much as his prince would let him. “It’s not that,” he said raggedly, licking his lips. “I still love you and want you as much as ever. I just…thought about her, too.”

“I find that hard to believe, also,” Lelouch growled. “Thinking of her and getting aroused, fine. You’re a teenage boy. You have a high sex drive. Limp noodles would make you hard. I don’t care about that, Suzaku.” He took some unsteady breaths, waiting until Suzaku met his eyes again before plunging on, “What gets me is that you…it feels like, to me…that you manipulated me out of my own home so you could, on your own, intentionally _keep_ thinking about someone else…with the purpose of getting off on her.”

Suzaku reared back, aghast. “It wasn’t like that, I swear!” _Not entirely, anyway. I need to explain better!_

Lelouch glared harder and let his hand drop away from Suzaku’s skin. “Have you ever done anything with this girl?” he needled.

“N-no!” Suzaku protested. “Not in real life. I know she wants me, though.”

Lelouch jerked as if struck in the face. “There’s more to this story,” he figured. “Out with it, Suzaku. You owe me that much.”

Suzaku squirmed again. “She fell on me once and tried to kiss me, but I pushed her away.” He stared beseechingly at Lelouch through blurry eyes. “I thought of you the whole time and I told her we couldn’t be together. Today was the first day I ever even thought about her…you know, like that.”

Lelouch huffed and crossed his arms. It looked like he was trying to hold himself together, which honestly made Suzaku’s heart shatter into a million pieces.

“I don’t _love_ her, though,” Suzaku cried. “I mean, she’s my friend but she’s not…she doesn’t mean to me what _you_ mean to me, Lelouch! She’s, like, what Shirley is to you.”

Head whipping up, Lelouch scowled and hissed, “I have _never_ in my _life_ thought about Shirley like _that!_ ”

Suzaku hung his head, more ashamed than ever. _Right. Lelouch wouldn’t. He’s so deep when it comes to these sorts of things._ “I’m so sorry, Lelouch,” he repeated himself. _I thought I was deep, too_. “I would never _act_ on this fantasy, and this was the only time I daydreamed about her, I swear. I told you I hate myself.” 

Lelouch’s mask cracked a bit at the last sentence before hardening again. “What did you do, Suzaku?” he said with a deep sniff. “In your fantasy, I mean. Did you fuck her?”

Hesitantly, Suzaku nodded, deciding honesty was the best policy.

“Do you _want_ to fuck her? For real?” Lelouch interrogated.

Suzaku froze.

 _Lelouch_ froze. “Oh my god, you do. You want to fuck some girl.”

“No!” Suzaku yelled frantically, his voice finally working. “I mean, I thought about it today, but I don’t _want_ to!”

Lelouch pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his watering eyes. “Suzaku,” he said, obviously trying to stay calm, “if you didn’t _really_ want to fuck her, you wouldn’t have gone to such lengths to _imagine_ yourself fucking her.” His hand clenched into a fist on the bed. “She  must’ve been good, in your dream. I bet she was hot and tight around your cock, wasn’t she? And her breasts. You must’ve had a field day with those.”

Suzaku gasped, stung. “Lelouch…”

Lelouch snapped his head up, purple eyes flashing. “I can’t believe you got jealous of a _sex toy_ that I bought for the sole purpose of preparing myself _for you_ —but I’m supposed to just be fine knowing you want to fuck another living human being?”

“No!” Suzaku cried out. “No, you _should_ be upset. You should hate me. I promise you can’t hate me more than _I_ hate me, Lelouch.”

Lelouch looked down, his black bangs covering his eyes. “I don’t understand,” he said hoarsely. “We were so…solid this morning. We were closer than ever. And now, this.”

Suzaku wiped at his eyes again. _Lelouch was so supportive about my breakdown and feelings last night. We grew more connected than ever and I ruined it_. It was easy to blame Euphemia, but Suzaku knew that wasn’t fair at all. This was all on him. “I never actually did anything, Lelouch,” he reminded the other. “And I _wouldn’t_.”

“That’s not the point!” Lelouch growled. “The point is that _you obviously want to_.”

Suzaku choked on air. “No,” he objected. “I mean, maybe I have the teensiest bit of a crush on her, but I told you it’s _nothing_ compared to what I feel for you.”

Lelouch lifted his head and stared at him, horrorstruck. “Now you’re telling me that it’s not only a physical attraction— _you have a crush on this girl?!_ ”

“But I’m desperately head-over-heels _in love_ with **_you_**!”

Lelouch scooted back all the way to the wall and pressed himself flat against it, shaking harder than ever. “You can’t say that!” he argued. “Not when you _willingly_ fantasize about someone else! Someone you have feelings for! You said it yourself!” He buried his head in his hands.

“I’m an idiot!” Suzaku agreed loudly. “I shouldn’t have done it and I’m _sorry_. At least I told you the truth right away.”

Lelouch nodded jerkily. “I suppose I have to be grateful for that,” he said tonelessly. “At least I didn’t come home to find you wrapped around her in bed.”

Suzaku recoiled. “That would never happen anyway because _I’d never act on it_.”

Lelouch’s head snapped up and he hissed, “Newsflash, Suzaku. _Fantasizing_ is an _act_.”

“I didn’t _mean_ to!” Suzaku threw back. He plunged on, trying to explain in a desperate rush. “Yes, I wanted you gone so I could think about what happened. I wanted space to figure out what my feelings were for her, and what my feelings were for you. One thought led to another and I _wondered_ if I really did want to be with her. I wondered what it might feel like, physically. And yeah, it was a good fantasy. It did the trick. But you know what I realized in the end, Lelouch?” He took another deep breath. “She’s not _you_. _You’re_ the one I want. _You’re_ the one I love. If I’d never _met_ you, maybe she’d be a good match for me. But I _did_ meet you, and you _are_ in my life, and I will _always_ choose you. Every. Single. Time.”

Lelouch stared at him, purple eyes wide and tumultuous. “Suzaku,” he croaked, voice hitching. He lurched towards Suzaku with outstretched arms, and then froze and retreated back to the wall. “I don’t…I can’t…”

“ _I love you_ , my prince. I understand how you feel. I hate me, too.” Suzaku sniffled. “I just…even if you broke up with me, I wouldn’t go crawling to her. I’d suffer what I deserve and wait for you, on the off chance that you might ever forgive me and take me back. I could _never_ give up on you and settle for her.” His gaze was determined.

Opening and closing his mouth several times, Lelouch carefully considered Suzaku’s words. Face twisting with grief and betrayal, he got stuck on one point and said scratchily, “You have _feelings_ for her.”

Suzaku sighed and shook his head. “Like I said, not like my feelings for _you_.”

“But you have _some_ ,” Lelouch alleged. Voice somehow steadying, he bit out, “If you ‘love’ both of us, then you don’t _really_ love either of us.”

 Suzaku scowled. “I told you, I _don’t_ love her. Do you want to know what stuck out in my mind? Why I started liking her the littlest bit?” As Lelouch frantically shook his head ‘no,’ Suzaku said loudly, “She reminded me of you, Lelouch.”

Lelouch laughed flippantly, his eyes full of pain. “Funny, Suzaku. You’d think I’d remember having a vagina and breasts.”

Suzaku pursed his lips. “You _know_ what I meant. She’s bold and caring and beautiful, inside and out—”

“Oh my god, Suzaku, I don’t want to sit here and listen to you moon over the girl coming between us! At least have some goddamn respect for my feelings!”

Suzaku drew back with a gasp. “Lelouch, I—”

“I love you! I gave you _everything!_ What the fuck did I do wrong?!”

“You didn’t do _anything_ wrong, Lelouch! _I_ did!”

“I must’ve or you’d never have needed to _wonder_ about her! Is this because I’m ze—” He bit his tongue and faltered, looking to the side and drawing into himself.

Suzaku cocked his head, blinking. “What?”

Lelouch waited for a stretched second and huffed, “Zealous. It means enthusiastic and passionate.”

Suzaku smiled softly. _Why would that make me want to give him up?_ “No, Lelouch, I _love_ that you’re _zealous_.”

“Let me guess. _She’s_ zealous, too.”

Suzaku sighed. “Lelouch…”

“Forget it, Suzaku,” Lelouch said, hesitating. “I need some time. I’ll sleep with Nunnally tonight and we’ll talk tomorrow.”

Suzaku felt punched in the gut. _What else should I expect, though? Why would he **want** to share a bed with me after all this?_ Suzaku bit his lip. “I can always leave,” he offered.

Lelouch shook his head. “You don’t have to go all the way back to Narita now.”

Suzaku nodded unsurely. He’d told the Council yesterday that he was expected to report back on Monday for more clean-up. That meant that he still had the rest of today free of the military.

Lelouch roughly dragged his hand over his face. “Look,” he said warily. “I need some space, but I don’t want you to leave for good until we figure this out. You can have the bed tonight.” Without looking at Suzaku, he slid to the floor and began gathering some pajamas and papers to keep himself busy.

Suzaku watched silently, not knowing what to say. _I’m losing him. Shitshitshit_. And this time, he’d really brought it on himself.

On his way out the door, Lelouch paused and, still facing away, advised, “At least try to make it to the bathroom this time before you touch yourself to her. For my sake.”

-+-

Lelouch coached himself to breathe deeply and stared at the dark wall, trying not to bother Nunnally sound asleep beside him. His mind was racing and his heart felt torn out and stomped on. He felt almost as betrayed as when his own father had abandoned him and Nunnally in Japan all those years ago. _Suzaku says he loves me but he can’t, and no matter what, I still love him. What is wrong with me?!_ How could he still have such overwhelming feelings for the boy who’d obviously started to move on from him? _I let myself fall for him and grow comfortable in the idea that he’d always be by my side. God, I **hate** being wrong._

Lelouch sighed. He knew they were young, but he’d pinned Suzaku to be just as sentimental about their relationship as he was. He didn’t know how his boyfriend could suddenly turn his attentions to someone else, especially after all they’d been through together. After all the work they’d put into building their relationship. Was that worth nothing? He thought back, trying to think of signs he might have missed. Unlike Suzaku’s passive suicide outlook, he couldn’t find any red flags that signified Suzaku was unhappy with their romance and wanted someone else. This had come out of nowhere.

How long had Suzaku known this _girl_ anyway? What was so special about her? What did she have to offer that Lelouch didn’t—besides the obvious?

Heartbroken, Lelouch shifted slightly and rolled over onto his side. Did Suzaku just crave a feminine body? If this _girl_ had all of Lelouch’s best personality characteristics and she came wrapped in a female package, then surely Suzaku would go for her instead—if that’s what he’d been waiting for. Lelouch felt hot tears sting his eyes, but he refused to cry. Not over Suzaku. He’d cried in the middle of last night _for_ Suzaku and his anguish; Lelouch wasn’t going to make a habit of shedding tears over him.

He tried to look at this logically. He reminded himself again that they were young, and they still had a lot to learn about life and who they were. It was normal for people to be attracted to many others at a time. Lelouch never had been, but he’d been the odd one out. He expected Suzaku to be mildly interested in other people from time to time, but not to the point where he’d _do something about it_. Okay, Suzaku hadn’t tracked down this girl in real life—yet?—and ravished her, but he’d _deliberately jerked off to her_. Lelouch felt the shards of his heart explode into dust. _On **their** bed_. He felt sick to his stomach. He didn’t know how he was ever supposed to feel comfortable sleeping in his bed again, always being reminded of Suzaku’s unfaithfulness.

It was true that Suzaku felt guilty, that he’d allegedly only done it once, that he’d confessed right away, that he’d seen the errors of his ways and was sorry. Lelouch acknowledged all those points fairly, wrapping his arms tightly around himself as he reflected. But the look in Suzaku’s eyes when he’d described that girl… There was clearly _something_ there, and that was the real problem. _That_ was why Lelouch felt like dying inside. _I’m losing him. Shitshitshit_.

Despite his best efforts, the hot, silent tears started coming. He’d always kept people at a distance, fearing this kind of pain, but he’d _trusted Suzaku_. And Suzaku had jilted him. The only person, besides Nunnally, who could undo him seamlessly from the inside out. _Suzaku, you…you BETRAYER!_

At least breaking up with Suzaku would give him more time with the Black Knights. He could throw himself into being Zero. Britannia wouldn’t know what hit them. He was still waiting on some transport carriers to be smuggled in for his planned operation against the white Knightmare, and intelligence was working on gathering some crucial data, but things were moving along at a steady pace. Things would go faster and smoother once Suzaku was out of the picture.

Lelouch’s chest tightened at the thought. _I still love him. I don’t want to give him up_.

He could give Suzaku another chance. If his boyfriend promised to stay true to him, why trash everything they’d built because of one relatively minor mistake? Suzaku had never touched anyone else, after all. He hadn’t fully cheated. Lelouch let out a slow breath. _But the root of the problem will still be there. Suzaku’s feelings for that girl… They’ll crop up again. Cause worse pain. It’s better to cut him loose now_.

Why was doing the right thing so goddamn _hard_?

He swallowed, thinking about Suzaku’s emotional issues. _But I can’t refrain from doing what I need to do just because he might threaten…_ That would be unhealthy, not that any of this was healthy in the first place. _And besides, he can always go to that girl for comfort._ The idea made something in his stomach lurch. Trying to curb the thought, he steered his mind back to the main problem. _I don’t have any evidence that Suzaku will self-harm beyond passively letting himself be hurt and taken advantage of and—UGH, okay, yes. He’d punish himself for this._ He bit back a groan. _He said he hated himself for this. He probably doesn’t even realize his feelings for the girl. That **moron**._

_It’s up to me._

Lelouch sighed. He had to be cruel to be kind. That was what it all boiled down to in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are appreciated.


	3. Broken Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys decide how to move forward in light of Suzaku's new feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Disclaimer: I do not own Code Geass. I do not make profit from writing this fanfiction.

“Thank you for making me breakfast,” Suzaku said with trepidation. “I can’t remember the last time I had pancakes.” _Those things Miss Cecile cooked don’t count. And you shouldn’t be making me breakfast after what I did._

There was a recognizable glow of warmth in Lelouch’s eyes, coexisting with the shiny pain, as he piled more pancakes onto Suzaku’s plate. “It’s fine,” Lelouch assured him, a bit stiltedly. “You’re my friend, no matter what.”

 _Oh shit. That doesn’t sound good_. Suzaku started trying to school his breathing, anticipating the worst.

“I would never let you go hungry.” Lelouch sat down across from him and stared at him attentively, not touching his own food. He folded his hands delicately on the table. “Do you want to do this now or wait until after you finish eating?”

Suzaku’s mouth was stuck, and he really couldn’t blame the syrup. In answer, he shoved his plate to the side and looked at Lelouch, his vision already starting to go blurry. He waved his hand in a simple ‘go on’ gesture.

Lelouch took a deep breath. “Suzaku,” he said, eyes bouncing between different spots on Suzaku’s face. “Suzaku, I love you. I told you that nothing would ever change that. Yesterday doesn’t. I love you as much as ever, and I don’t think I can stop myself.” His face and posture were earnest.

Suzaku blinked some tears away, his heart starting to soar. _Oh, Lelouch!_ Suzaku felt like an expert at dodging bullets.

“ _However_ ,” Lelouch pressed, “I don’t believe you love me.”

Instantly, Suzaku’s hopes crashed to Earth.

“I think _you_ believe you love me, but you really don’t,” Lelouch amended, seeing Suzaku’s stricken face. “I don’t think you know what you want, and you’re not going to figure it out by being in a relationship with me.”

Suzaku felt his pancakes churn in his stomach. “N-no, Lelouch,” he begged, staring at his prince. “I won’t ever again—I’ll—”

Lelouch looked to the side, inhaling through his nose. “When we first got together, we talked boundaries,” he reminded Suzaku. “I told you that it was important to me that we stay monogamous.”

“We _are_!” Suzaku insisted. “I’ve never touched her!”

Glancing up, Lelouch rasped, “But you’re not being emotionally faithful to me when you dream about someone else. And let’s be real, Suzaku, you know this isn’t going to be a one-time thing.”

Suzaku reeled back. “What?! Of course it—!”

Lelouch stood up and towered over Suzaku, snapping, “Maybe you should look in the mirror a little closer when you talk about her, Suzaku. You’d probably save yourself a lot of trouble if you’d stop avoiding it.”

Suzaku opened and closed his mouth several times before managing, “Lelouch, I told you. I know I have a tiny crush. But it doesn’t _mean_ anything.”

“Again, Suzaku, I’d refer you to the mirror.”

“I love _you_ , Lelouch vi Britannia!” Suzaku shouted, eyes wild.

His face crumpling, Lelouch asserted, “You crossed a boundary, Suzaku. It’s best if we take a break and decide what we want out of this.” Seeing Suzaku open his mouth to protest, Lelouch barked, “I’m telling you what I want, Suzaku. I told you that you’d hear about it if I didn’t like something. Well, I didn’t _enjoy_ finding out that you masturbated to another person in our bed. I could even forgive that, if it was a one-time carnal mistake, but I can’t look the other way when talking about her makes you light up.”

“Being with _you_ makes me light up,” insisted Suzaku desperately.

Lelouch grabbed the edges of the table, his shoulders shaking as he held on so tight his fingers went white. “I want you to be safe and _happy_ , Suzaku,” he decided, ignoring the pouring wetness on his cheeks. “I’ll always be there for you, no matter what. I’m going to help you with—well, everything, but especially with what I found out this weekend.” His hair stuck to his blotchy cheeks, and his eyes crinkled with sorrow. “I just can’t do it as your boyfriend. Not now.”

Suzaku felt his world splinter around him. There was a rush in his ears as he stared at Lelouch and tried to find his mental footing. “Le-Lelouch…” _This can’t be happening._

“I’d have found out about this girl sooner or later,” Lelouch guaranteed. “So don’t worry that your confession last night brought this on. I’m grateful, Suzaku, that you were honest with me.”

Suzaku stared at him brokenly. “No, please, Lelouch,” he babbled. “I can’t lose you. I love you so much.”

Lelouch stared at him wretchedly.

“It’s true! What am I supposed to do without you?!”

Lelouch’s forehead furrowed. “Figure out who you want, Suzaku. You’re free to go after her now. See if it goes anywhere.”

 _Why is he doing this?  Even if I did want her, why isn’t he fighting for me?_ Suzaku shook his head roughly. “It won’t, Lelouch, because I don’t love her like I love you!”

“You won’t know that until you take a step back from the situation and dig into your heart!”

Green eyes stretched wide and Suzaku took a moment to think that through. “Okay, then,” he said slowly. “Let’s say I take this step back, and I figure out I truly have loved you all along. Like I know I have.”

Hope flashed on Lelouch’s face, but he got himself under control and said simply, “I’m not going anywhere.”

Suzaku’s face scrunched and he asked, “So if I do what you ask, when I come back and choose you, then you’ll believe me? We can pick up where we left off?” He slid his pancakes a little further away, the sight and smell of them making him feel more nauseated than before. He recapped, “We’re just hitting pause, but not really breaking up?”

Lelouch inhaled sharply but allowed, “I suppose.  If that’s the way things go.” He swallowed thickly. “But you might choose her, and that’s okay. Suzaku, just…just make yourself happy.”

“You sound like you _want_ me to choose her,” Suzaku worried.

Lelouch shook his head and sank back into his seat like he didn’t have the strength to hold himself up anymore. “Not particularly,” he said. “I just want you to be honest with yourself. Do what you need to be happy.”

A look of determination crossed Suzaku’s face. “Then I’ll fight for you, and I’ll prove my feelings. Lelouch, I _told_ you that I love you and I will always choose you. I’ll say it as many times as I have to until you believe me.”

“I don’t want your words,” Lelouch bit out. “I’ll believe you when you can talk about her without that _look_ in your eyes.”

Suzaku immediately closed his eyes, as if he was trying to hide or do away with the guilty culprits. After a moment, he ventured, “Do you not see me look at _you_ special, Lelouch?”

“You do,” Lelouch acknowledged, “or you did.” Suzaku’s eyes popped open in disbelief at the past tense, but Lelouch only continued, “It’s natural for the spark to fade a little in a relationship when two people are with each other for awhile. I always thought you had a special look reserved for me, but then I saw you last night when you talked about her… There’s a difference, Suzaku. Maybe you can’t see it, but I can. I have to stare it straight in the face.”

Suzaku shook his head. “Lelouch, I know you hate hearing this, but you’re wrong.”

A ghost of a smirk crossed Lelouch’s face as he murmured, “Oh, Suzaku, I’m never wrong.”

-+-

It felt so awkward to be in the Lamperouge suite and around Lelouch when they were technically on break. But Suzaku didn’t want to go back to Narita yet, and risk running into Euphy. His heart jumped a little at the thought of seeing her, but his heart also dropped to his toes at the thought of leaving Lelouch. Why did feelings have to be so messy and complicated? He sighed deeply and leaned back on the main couch, trying to distract himself with all the classwork he’d missed. Like every other area in his life, he wasn’t getting anywhere. He almost cried when his pencil tip snapped.

Lelouch walked into the room, and then froze upon seeing Suzaku, and Suzaku could see the exact moment that Lelouch remembered they weren’t truly together anymore. Looking uncomfortable, Lelouch walked over to sit on the couch. He left room for five Knightmares between them. He coughed.

Suzaku glared at the table. Before last night, he’d have drawn Lelouch close and coaxed him into some heavy petting on the couch to take advantage of their privacy. Lelouch rarely needed persuading to climb on top of Suzaku and lose a few layers. Now, Suzaku wondered if he’d ever again feel the other boy flush against him, or see him staring at Suzaku like he was the only one in the universe. With Lelouch sitting beside him but unavailable, Suzaku felt the loss more keenly.

Lelouch cocked his head. “We still have some time before you have to go back,” he pointed out.

Suzaku felt his heart beat faster, and he licked his lips. _Does he want to fit in one more make-out, for old time’s sake?_ He started salivating at the idea.

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” Lelouch said with difficulty, “but…”

Suzaku scooted over a tad, reducing the space between them by three Knightmares. “But nothing. I want to,” he insisted quickly.

Lelouch shot him an odd look, raising an eyebrow. “Huh?”

Leaning in, tilting his head, Suzaku let his eyes flutter shut and said huskily, “I want to lick into your mouth and shove my hand down your pants, stroke you and fondle you until you scream—”

Lelouch stopped him with a hand on his chest, though he wasn’t unaffected. His eyes had darkened with want and his pants had grown a little tighter. “Suzaku,” he gasped, leaning back from where his ex-boyfriend had invaded his personal space. He looked at Suzaku, torn. “We can’t,” he croaked. “The…the time for _fantasies_ is past.”

Suzaku blinked, feeling heat rise in his cheeks at the misunderstanding. He snatched his hand back from where his fingers had started to graze the other boy’s crotch. “S-sorry,” he mumbled. _I guess he meant what he said in the dining room. We’re really not together anymore_. Feeling the sting as Lelouch _actually_ rejected his advances made it seem more real. “I thought you wanted…”

Lelouch stared at him and asked with dry humor, “You thought I came in for one last booty call?”

Suzaku frowned. “Last _for awhile_ ,” he corrected. _I’ll prove my feelings to you and then we can move on from this setback._

“I’m sorry to disappoint, Suzaku,” Lelouch explained. “But that’s not why I’m here.” He steeled himself and mentioned delicately, “After what happened Friday night, I think we need to come up with a plan.” Violet eyes glinted seriously.

Suzaku felt his heart drop _. He’s talking about my breakdown. That’s even worse._ His heart twisted. _I can’t believe I lost control like that._ He took a second and amended, _Both nights._ It was much easier to pretend they hadn’t happened and live a lie; he should have known Lelouch wouldn’t let these things go. “What kind of plan?” he asked hesitantly.

“I said I would help you and I meant it,” Lelouch said determinedly. “Only, and it pains me to admit it, I’m afraid I’m not the best qualified to help you through these sorts of problems.”

Suzaku lifted his head. _He sounds so practical_. _Detached_. “You’re the one who keeps saving me,” he blurted. “You don’t know how much you help without even knowing. Just by being you and being there for me.”

Lelouch’s face softened and he said, “That’s all well and good, but you’re still suffering.” Reaching for Suzaku’s hand, he tacked on, “I hate seeing you in pain, Suzaku.” He swallowed. “I know you might not want to, but…I think we should consider getting _professional_ help.”

 _Wow, he really is Euphy’s brother_. Suzaku’s hand tingled, and he relished the contact. He didn’t think Lelouch had even realized what he’d done. Looking up, he shared, “My superiors in the military are arranging for me to talk with a therapist and get a mental health screening, if that’s what you’re talking about.” He fiddled with his broken pencil. “I don’t really have a choice. It’s orders.”

Lelouch narrowed his eyes. “Maybe it will help, if you take it seriously,” he said. “I’ll go with you for moral support, if you’d like.”

Suzaku smiled weakly. “It’s through the military, Lelouch. You shouldn’t get involved. It’s dangerous for you.”

The undercover prince pursed his lips before asking, “And just why are your superiors referring you for mental health services?”

The soldier shifted guiltily on the couch. “Well, um, they saw that I…overreacted…about what happened in Narita…” _Not the whole truth but it’s still something._

Lelouch closed his eyes and pressed his fingers against his forehead. “I see,” he said stiffly. He opened his eyes. “Well, if you want to find your own doctors instead, I can help with that. I know some who have worked with Nunnally over the years.” He finally seemed to notice that he was holding Suzaku’s hand, but he stubbornly refused to let go. His eyes pierced Suzaku’s. “Look, I told you. Even though things between _us_ ended poorly, I really want to be part of this, Suzaku. I’m here for you.”

“Lelouch…” _I can’t believe he’s sticking by me, even though I’m so messed up. After how I’ve hurt him, he should be running for the hills as fast as possible._

But Lelouch didn’t run, only tried to figure out ways he could help. When the time came to leave, Suzaku leaned in automatically for a good-bye kiss. Lelouch seemed to fall under the spell as he tilted his head to meet Suzaku’s midway. Their lips barely brushed before they each pulled back, embarrassed at how they’d fallen into old habits. Pain flooded both their eyes as they kept distance and Lelouch offered a weak, “Bye, then.”

Suzaku dragged himself from Lelouch’s side, feeling every sense of frustration.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are appreciated.


End file.
